15 more astonishing predictions

(just, because)

1. Ann Coulter's new book, This is How to Skin a Cat, will receive horrible reviews.
2. A reality tv show Communist Stars will feature Danny DeVito, aka the red dwarf.
3. Anthropologists in Montreal will argue that the invention of the wheel was merely a fortunate by-product of primitive man's repeated failed attempts to invent the bagel.
4. The Association of Fast-Food Mascots will be sullied by scandal when Grimace steps forward and admits to being proof that, yes, your face will stay that way.
5. Clothes hooks and hangers will be obsolete with the discovery of self-levitating clothes. In turn, self-levitating clothes will be obsolete with the discovery of clothes that leave the house on their own and go to the office for you, allowing everyone to stay at home and make sweet sweet love.
6. Nutritionists will announce that 85 percent of the average person's recommended daily allowance of niacin can be found in fiery car crashes. However, saner heads will point out that car crashes far exceed the RDA of brain shrapnel, causing nutritionists to back away from their prior claim, to the relief of everyone.
7. Mortuaries will - unsurprisingly - tip their hand in the abortion debate, when the Association of Undertakers says that all women should have the right to an abortion, as long as all fetuses have the right to a funeral.
8. Science will achieve a new low, after an apparently useless multi-million-dollar study is released which proves that being peed on by a camel causes hiccups. This discovery forges an unlikely alliance among scientists, the Christian Right and Middle Eastern camel breeders — after a further study proves that hiccups cure atheism.
9. Another study will show that violence among teenagers is not caused by video games. Conversely, video-game violence will be inextricably linked to video-game designing adults who were violent as children, teenagers, and adults.
10. Procrastination will reach epidemic proportions, when 'a stitch in time' is revealed to save nothing at all — because Velcro has become mandatory.
11. PETA will once again protest the signs of the Zodiac, and achieve a small victory when 'Aquarius' agrees to change its name to 'Aquarium.' Unfortunately for the animal rights organization, goldfish will then be hunted to extinction.
12. Antitrust legislators will rule against God's dominion over heaven and Earth, citing an unfair monopoly. God will phone Bill Gates to seek commiseration, but Bill Gates will be unsympathetic, and hang up. God will smite Bill Gates with Microsoft Vista.
13. Savvy bakeries will get out of the breadmaking business, and go into the perfume business selling bread-scented lines. Calvin Klein will latch onto this crossover notion, open a bakery and make a killing selling loaves of bread that taste like Elle Macpherson.
14. Archaeological evidence reveals that one of the marvels of the Ancient World 'jumped the shark' back in 1350 BC, when in an attempt to appeal to the youth demographic, the Sphinx stopped asking its famous riddles and simply queried Egyptian passersby with the rather unchallenging 'Do you know what the Sphinx is cooking?'
15. Lobe-nibbling lovers will become understandably paranoid - at the same time, marketers of nacho chips to cannibals will leap for joy - after Oprah proclaims that human ears dipped in salsa are simply delicious.