2/28/2007

10 silly noun phrases

(the delight!)

Are you ready for incredible things, big long lists and a pig in a swing?

(ALOUD)

1) Great greenish-grey petticoats, stuffed in storage bins in the metal belly of a tugboat.

2) Longlegged Lolitas licking plasticine fajitas, moody, milking mojitos on a Monday, nursing the same sugared drink till midnight on a Sunday.

3) Happy pink flamingos, pontificating about mangos, feathers plucked by a whiskeysoaked gigolo for a tickle-and-sing six-string meringue banjo.

4) Ornery toads with complaints by the truckload, hopped up against heros and cowboy zeros, running the poor unlucky Mayor, Harry McBroken-Hose, out on rails to Pocahontas House.

5) Outer-space ambassadors obsessed with flux capacitors, spew invectives and bombast, fie-fieing aghast, spelunking every last intergalactic stalactite, either over-verbose or borderline comatose from cheap cereal-box cracktose!

6) Goonish gorillas sculpting 'I love yous' into pillars in Ancient Greece, disguising with chimp-love their secret affairs with Attican geese!

7) Lee Harvey Wallbanger, an assassin for a doppelganger. languid and dyspeptic, scrubbing his chest every five minutes for lack of antiseptic.

8) 'Oh-my-God' Mollies with polka-dot brollies, chitter-chatter and titter, each with a teetoring Tom Collins in the indentation of their hats, bought for nickels in Kensington (and lined with lavender-scented burlap).

9) Gregory Peck's pants, shredded, torn and scuppered askance, restitched with concern by a flurrying hill of hardworking ants, loaned with an honest man's bedpan to an mild-mannered monk—to wear under his cassock during Gregorian chants.

10) An ad hoc eagle, lawyerly and regal, befriended by a world-famous beagle.

(Oh Snoopy, does that smile droop? But you have no claim to frown when I'm stuffing you with goop.)

2/25/2007

20 astounding predictions

1) 'Coffee is bad for your teeth': This wisdom will be turned on its head, after a boy named Jack exchanges his mother's cow for a handful of Columbian coffee beans that sprout overnight into a towering dentist who doles out gold fillings.

2) A revolutionary 'kidney sponge' is invented that, with a simple wipe across a plate, processes food and drink into human waste before you eat it. Restrooms will be a thing of the past, and kidney donors will be completely unnecessary.

3) Tubas will be made obsolete, after Barry White learns to play the trumpet.

4) Steel-toe boots at construction sites will be scrapped, finally, in favour of steel toes.

5) 'Embedded reporters' will greatly enhance media coverage of the Being Eaten By A Snake World Championships.

6) Sectarian jihad will spread to the Amazon jungle, where, in deadly suicide attacks, rabid Shiite pelicans take flight and launch themselves at high speeds into trees filled with infidel Sunni baboons.

7) The preserved corpse of Lenin will have a reoccurring dream that he has risen from the dead shaved his mustache. In each dream he hides his identity, and works in St. Petersburg as a stockbroker. One day in a pharmacy he encounters the resurrected corpse of Stalin, and both men pretend not to notice. Alarmed, Lenin hastens to the grave of Trotsky and digs up his corpse, to make sure Trotsky is still dead, and when he fails to see the body Lenin wakes up screaming. Tourists in Moscow will begin to notice this and complain.

8) Pizzas and humans will achieve a glorious 1-to-1 ratio.

9) Oklahoma, Arkansas, and New Mexico will be amalgamated into 'New Arkansoma' in a bid to reduce the number of U.S. states that are too hard to remember.

10) The helmet industry will suffer a setback, after it is discovered that, when being shot from a cannon, wearing a helmet is completely useless.

11) Reality TV will once again go too far, with the airing of Survivor: Charles Manson.

12) High heels will become redundant, as the surface of the Earth becomes so hot that all women must walk on tip toes - to the delight of men everywhere.

13) Hundreds of toads will blacken the sky over Canada, causing great anxiety among Canadians. Anxiety will lessen when it is discovered the creatures are not an act of God, but were intentionally airdropped by the U.S. Marines. Anxiety will shoot up again when Canadians realize they are being invaded - and are hopelessly outgunned.

14) India will protest the use of 'laying down a brownie' as a euphemism for defecation.

15) Prostitutes will gain widespread respect, after the Pope's latest encyclical urging Catholics to 'Holy it up' over Lent contains a hilarious spelling mistake.

16) Amid a critical housing shortage, crocodiles will populate our city sewers, raising the question - do crocodiles know something we don't?

17) The West's 'aspirin embargo' against North Korea indirectly sentences millions to death, when, slamming down the phone following a lengthy argument and, frustrated by his throbbing headache, Kim Jong Il launches a nuclear strike on his mother-in-law.

18) Saddam's decaying corpse will begin to emit deadly chemical gases throughout the cemetery, polluting the other coffins. In response an outraged Iraqi Tribunal will dig up his body, try, convict and execute Saddam again.

19) Due to global warming, Kevin Costner's Waterworld will become a nightmarish reality. In this water-soaked age, demoralized umbrella manufacturers will go out of business, but ironically make a comeback selling spring-loaded lily pads.

20) Eating bacon is found to cure cataracts. The phrase 'like a blind man slaughtering a pig' will suddenly become a byword for sensible behaviour.

2/23/2007

A hollow stump...

A hollowed out stump may or may not be filled with peanut butter. The likelihood of this depends on the promixity of the stump to peanuts, the cleanliness of the stump, the availability of a spreading instrument, the effectiveness of such a tactic at hiding peanut butter in the mind of the peanut-butter owner, the existence of peanuts, the availability of a tree of sufficient girth, the continuance of nuclear reactions inside the centre of the sun, a refutation of Hume's unproveability of causation (see Kant), a chemical composition for peanuts that permits butterification, the actualization of abstract concepts such as 'hollowness', the absence of any wolf or wolf-like creature that will devour the peanut butter no matter how well you hide it (cf. third point on dependency), the continued east-west rotation of the Earth, the neutralization of any threat of Ice Age, El Nino effect or rampant Fire Ant plague...

A mini-list:
1) Anyone who has an 'electric smile' should be careful around bathtubs.
2) If Venice is indeed sinking, then I will buy up Prague, gut the streets, fill them with water, and give the big middle finger to global warming. If any Czech complains, I will silence him with sugared pastries.
3) A man with too much time on his hands will never be able to bench-press a grandfather clock.
4) Phone me, email me, or send me a letter if you like. I cannot reply as long as I am locked in this damn mystery, wrapped in a riddle!

2/18/2007

24 profound revelations

(may require a complete re-thinking of your existence)

1) Why were there four Gospels written, instead of just one? Did the four evangelists not trust each other to get it right? Or they each wanted to take the credit for themselves. Seems that way. Hanging on the J-man's coattails - so typical.

2) Eleven people stomping on your throat hurts just as much as five people stomping on your throat.

3) Just because you compost, and don't contaminate the groundwater by throwing dead batteries in the trash doesn't mean you aren't an asshole.

4) You don't own the moon and neither do I. Who owns the moon? Why, that's P.J. PennyPincher, an evil billionaire. Remember whenever you look at the moon, that P.J. PennyPincher is up there - oppressing an innocent civilization of docile moon men.

5) It's weird how my auntie used to say, "Don't call me late for dinner, or I will feed you a poison breakfast!" But she never did.

6) A 'pack rat' with kleptomania would be relatively easy to catch.

7) Everyone would be 'on time' and no one would 'give foot rubs' if 'meetings' meant 'foot rubs' and 'foot rubs' meant 'meetings'. [?]

8) The great mass of humanity will never know the joys of individualism.

9) It's always 'hypotenuse this' and 'hypotenuse that'. The other two sides of a triangle must get jealous. But then again, it's a triangle.

10) I admit that a song titled 'Hotel Californium' might be interesting, but it caters to a very select audience of chemistry nerds.

11) People who are cute and who smile a lot often get held back from promotion. In Australia alone, komodo dragons fill the executive ranks while millions of cuddly koala bears are doomed to toil in the service industry.

12) It must be hard staying motivated if you're a potter, knowing that human beings perfected the water jar thousands of years ago.

13) Concealed weapons are so unsportsmanlike. If you have a concealed knife, I'd rather you said "Don't trust me, I'm carrying a knife!' instead of biding your time and then stabbing me.

14) Women pirates love arguing with their husbands. For them it's always about argh! you men! tation.

15) Camera-phones are a much better idea than what I once invented: the toaster-fax. A machine that catches fire any time you send a fax is pret-ty worthless.

16) A pocket full of posies? Forget that. I'd rather take a pocket full of quarters - or a pocket full of gold - any day. Or a giant robot that speaks 15 languages and serves you limonata whenever you want.

17) I could move to Egypt and build the world's largest outdoor triangular prism - if only I had a million Hebrew slaves.

18) Don't knock it: radioactive waste has made me a lot smarter. People always say "You've got a good head protruding from underneath your shoulder!"

19) People who don't write in complete sentences

20) Improving the smells on this planet requires a complete re-imagining of what it means to fart.

21) If I were a space traveler, I wouldn't put up with all this fuss from milk drinkers. 'Intergalactose' will be universally tolerated!

22) If my name were Colleen I would hate owning a phone. 'Oh, someone's calling, Colleen! Or 'It's Colleen calling! Or - if I was from India and my name was Obanji Pinthador, and whenever someone knocked on the door my wife screeched 'Open the door, O. Pinthador!' that would be tres annoying.

23) I absolutely hate it when this one friend of mine vomits, curses and then rolls over me, just because he's a wheelchair-bound alcoholic with Tourette's syndrome.

24) Don't trust me - I'm carrying a knife!

2/17/2007

20 astonishing facts of history

(google em yourself)

1) The Italian monument was a filthy mess, until Michelangelo's wife crafted the famed Cleaning Towel of Pisa.

2) Superstition prompted Genghis Khan to undergo dangerous organ transplants after each battle. He misheard advice from a witch doctor, who he thought said 'The Great Khan will be immortal, and outliver his enemies."

3) George Bush knows he can't subdue Iraq militarily so has asked Congress to send 92,000 rowdy American tourists to overwhelm the Middle East during Spring break.

4) Darwin's personal motive behind the Theory of Evolution was to legitimize his torrid passion with Kongo, the great ape of the London Zoo, as a relationship between equals and not a monkey-man perversion. Also in his retirement years he was an staunch activist for Sasquatch rights.

5) The guillotine was invented as a more humane way of slicing cheese.

6) Helen of Troy was known as the Anna Nicole Smith of Antiquity.

7) Horace commanded an exorbitant salary as the Poet Laureate of Rome. There was also his controversial demand of a car per diem.

8) As a five-year-old Isaac Newton drew an apple on his forehead, proving his controversial Theory of Graffiti.

9) Dusk curfews for children were instituted so that adults could stay up late and watch 'constellation porn'.

10) Einstein's kids were all incredible athletes - sprinters in fact. They never excelled at intellectual pursuits - because, in accordance with dad's discoveries, the faster they moved, the denser they became.

11) Napoleon had a 'little man' complex, and marched all across Europe just to find a pair of men's jeans that would fit his scrawny butt.

12) It has come to light that the Great Crash of '29 happened when all stockbrokers began using PCs.

13) As a young punk Martin Luther rebuked the Catholic church as a dull, constipated body. As a symbolic taunt he nailed his 95 feces to a church door.

14) Shakespeare wrote 'Hamlet' with the uncredited help of Woody Allen.

15) Otto von Bismarck said that unifying the German and Prussian states was still easier than tying a half-hitch sheep-shank.

16) Garibaldi marched through southern Italy, not liberating but 'liberalizing' towns along the way. It was a year long parade, full of pride, and he wore a flamboyant red t-shirt.

17) Marco Polo returned from travel and wrote three travel guides: 'Lonely Planet: The Orient', 'Conquer the East in just 300 Ships '; ' Chinese food for Italians - steal these recipes!'

18) Magellan sailed around the world and when he got back his housemates still hadn't done the dishes!

19) When nobody was looking William Tell fired an arrow directly through his son's face.

20) Stalin demolished Gandhi in an arm-wrestling match. Years later India got revenge by flooding the Earth with software engineers.

2/15/2007

10 incredible pronouncements

(more believable than you think)

1) Space aliens will one day come to Earth, read our resumes, and marvel at our productivity.

2) To 'slip on a banana peel' will no longer be considered funny, after archaeologists reveal that this was how ancient clowns ended unwanted pregnancies.

3) Weather systems, like human beings, are never fully satisfied. People will eventually become annoyed that, whenever the sun shines, the sky is 'blue'.

4) 'Think before you drink' is considered good advice. Within centuries however it will be made obsolete, by the more authoritative 'Thonk before you dronk' .

5) The confirmed existence of God will follow immediately upon the confirmed existence of a pizza crust so thin that the Pope describes it as 'miraculously thin'.

6) With the explosion of communication technology, verbal self-awareness will one day reach a fever pitch, such that anyone who says the oxymoronic phrase 'I have certain doubts' will be flabberghasted.

7) An ingenious cure for lethal peanut allergies will be discovered: the EpiPeanut.

8) Desperate YouTube users will pad their 'view stats' by bribing teenage robots.

9) A ban on sleepwalking will have limited effect on cutting carbon emissions. A further ban on sleepdriving however, will work wonders.

10) Vegetarianism among cannibals will gain legitimacy - with the invention of a delicious soy mannequin.

2/12/2007

25 friggin brilliant ideas

(no need for an introduction)

1) Upside down snorkeling - with your face up out of the water, staring at the sky, you take a snorkel and blow into the water, creating an oceanic bubble bath (farting just doesn't compare) and sigh. Call it blorkeling: blow + snorkeling. Whether the sonic bubbles could attract whales remains to be seen, but think of the tourism if it did!
2) A club/singles org. for really really desirable people. Call it Social Mensa. The more exclusive the better. You need at least 10 references.
3) Why don't people sing on escalators? There should be a contest for writing the best song that can be performed for the exact duration of an escalator ride. This kind of thing could take off in Finland, a notoriously weird country (and home to the World Air Guitar Championships).
4) Banks that don't send you 500 pieces of mail every month.
5) Forget Wednesday - I want Winesday! (even better than Wacky Wednesdays)
6) An environmentally friendly, ethanol-powered search engine.
7) Self-milking livestock. Also, self-hypnotizing chickens! Snap your fingers and they line up in a row like super-nazi chickens. No longer will they wander the yard causing a fuss. Snap fingers twice and they keel over - dead.
8) A zeppelin on every rooftop. Blimp traffic is notoriously light.
9) There's spell check, and there's grammar check - now MS Word needs reality check to tell me exactly how stupid my writing really is.
10) Behavioural incentive: compliment your mother-in-law, get a coupon for a free pina colada.
11) Schoolteachers who give each other 'the strap'.
12) Survivor: Urban Poverty version.
13) A designated 'makeout car' on the subway. Or even better, a designated 'makeup car' on the subway where beauticians give grooming advice.
14) Communism might have a better reputation if it changed names to Legislated Sharing.
15) Oohgle - search engine for awesomeness.
16) If you hear someone say 'Aboriginals are just sore losers' you can take away his land.
17) If a tree falls in a forest and you don't hear it, don't worry. Greenpeace will notify you.
18) Foldable houses. Also called tents.
19) An emoticon for handshakes.
20) Why don't lingerie stores sell helmets? For the action-packed lover.
21) Game show called 'What's My Name?' where the entire half hour is spent trying to guess the contestant's first and last name. Hundreds of thousands in weekly prize dollars.
22) Game show - 'Fat Oprah/Skinny Oprah'. Not sure what the rules would be.
23) Use aerodynamic 'wind-tunnel' testing to build the perfect hair.
24) If Satan lives among us - someone should offer him a lollipop. Doesn't hurt to get on his good side.
25) Random lists every week!

2/10/2007

don't drink and drive!

(bizarre song written in 6 minutes)

tip toe bobby got a sock in his shoe
totaled his car and killed a kangaroo
lowdown sally stuck her thumb in the air
cried 'dumbo take me home' to the elephant at the fair.

little benny snook was drinking by the pump
turned the key on his mustang and floored the metal pedal
along came sally atop her big grey friend and
benny ran em down and the ivory ran red

officer fitzgordon was snacking at the Tim's
in a 25-year-old cruiser decked with spoilers and fins
the radio was beeping and the dispatcher was freaky
benny killed sally - manslaughter for the geeky

the courthouse was packed and the babies were wailin
judge tough as nails and the papers called for jailin
benny in shackles as fitzgordon led him in
the thumping of his heart echoed the courtroom din

benny buckled, finally; cried and begged for mercy
but the law did not let up, he would do the herky-jerky
no one cared where he schooled or that he got his urban planning masters
the judge stood up and shrieked, 'electrocution for the bastard!'

so that's what you get if you drink and drive
creaming sally and her elephant (200 clicks on highway five)
benny racing home to family, live his life
now he's fried, his name is mud, and he widowed his handsome wife.

2/02/2007

This where I'll be

For the next week. No posts for a bit.