I was on hiatus...

...due to extreme happiness. Just gimme couple seconds, ok

To tide you over...

8 forthcoming certainties:

1. After a comet passes less than 5,000 miles from the Northern hemisphere, Texas will self-replicate, somewhere in Europe. Cowboys who speak French will no longer be shot at.
2. Small toads will get together and discuss ways to become even smaller. They will marvel at nearby grasshoppers, who will spit at the toads and call them whores.
3. Light switches will finally get together and demand that we stop tickling them.
4. The number of dogs in the world will fluctuate wildly after the International Zoological Society redefines 'dog' as 'a four-legged creature too large to be hurled from a slingshot'.
   
5. Madonna will finally declare war on Pakistan. Pakistan will lose horribly, and change its name to Rosie O'Donnell - a sad nation of defeated radical Islamic lesbians.
6. The insanity is complete when all mucus is banned from airports, except for what can be placed in a clear re-sealable 90mL container.
7. As global warming drenches coastal cities with rising floods, aqua-commuting will become increasingly sophisticated, resulting in advancements such as moisture-proof laptops, inkless newspapers and an underwater Starbucks.
8. U2 will finally start to suck, after naming a future album Abraham Lincoln's Groovy Gettysburg Go-Go. Lincoln's ghost will haunt the band, driving Bono insane, until he begs the Edge to shoot him in a crowded theatre. In the same spirit Larry Mullen, Jr. will free Adam Clayton, who it turns out was an Irish slave who could not play the bass worth a lick.