14 assertions you can take to the bank

[Don't ask me how I know, just know that you now know.]

1. Colbert and Stewart will get out of the satire business and decide to craft America's perfect root beer.
2. Petroleum proves to be made mostly out of leprechauns. The maxim "When you drill for oil, you disturb the Irish" will be in vogue. When you see a rainbow in your gasoline, remember where that pot of gold really is.
3. A tragic mistake is made when fifty thousand drums of ketchup are sent on a ship bound for Rotterdam, where they dunk french fries in mayonnaise only. Asked to explain himself, the ship's captain will argue his only true mistake was erasing last night's episode of Jeopardy!.
4. Things that melt in your mouth, not in your hand prove to be heretical to  flamethrowers, but obvious to fire eaters.
5. A drunk midget will control the levers of power in the European fashion industry. Those seeking access to top international designers must volunteer to stay sober and learn how to drive a tiny SUV.
6. A quest to reclaim the Holy Land from yuppies meets unforeseen obstacles when Jerusalem office workers discover yoga mats make very plush seat covers.
7. First Contact turns ugly when UFOs land at a CFO convention in Boston, demanding an audience with Earth's leaders. When the CFOs suggest the UFOs  should meet the Earth's CEOs, the aliens scoff at the perceived mispelling, and threaten to melt the planet with an infrared pulsar bomb while shouting 'UEOs! UEOs!' 
8. The Seventh Sign is revealed when Boris Yeltsin returns to Earth as an offensive defenseman for the Montreal Canadiens. When Yeltsin smites Sidney Crosby with a devastating hipcheck, siamese-twin serpents spring from holes in the ice and devour the injured Penguin's mouthguard, creating a YouTube sensation and earning Yeltsin the nickname 'Boris SnakeBite'
9. A madman races across the Sahara desert in search of free wifi access, stupidly unaware that the password is 'scorpion'.
10. The ghost of Queen Cleopatra proves to be an excellent predictor of 2014 World Cup outcomes. A special section for necromancers is installed in every sports booking table in Brazil casinos -- while a backlash against Paul the Octopus and other invertebrate prognosticators means the vast majority of calamari are still sliced up and fried or pickled.
11. Cartoon physicists cite evidence that Isaac Newton discovered gravity right before an anvil fell on his head, but tested his theories only after running off a cliff and looking down.
12. DJs and rappers will be forbidden from using capitals in their name, or any intentionally misspelled words. The only people allowed to misspell their names will be inner-city elementary school teachers, who sadistically force students to write out the new names hundreds of times on electric chalkboards they call 'scratchpads'.
13. Equal rights will be realized in an advanced society of sleepwalkers. Where you are from and who you know will not matter nearly as much how loud you snore, how padded your stairs are and whether your drool can be monetized.
14. Justice is finally done when, after centuries of having it land on them, sidewalks win the right to chew our gum.