Sentences he wrote some time ago, for reasons unclear...

(100% GENUINE—accept no substitutes)

Truly, we live in the golden age of cutlery!

All my friends were math majors, so there were a lot of calculus jokes flying around ("Hey Tony, your derivative is fourth order!").

I feel like an X-Files episode--you know, the one where everyone is controlled by some malevolent parasite.

It's beautiful today. Yep, nicer than a busload of nuns on Prozac.

I'm going to manage the nuts off this softball team!... It’s my team and I want everyone to come up with a nickname for himself (e.g. "The Hammer", "Speedy", "The Crazy Mexican"--keep in mind these are only suggestions).

I recognize that the internal circuitry of the universe has been wired wrong, by an all-powerful electrician with his thumb up his ass.

I miss your emails, so write back and tell me what colour oranges are on your planet.

Enjoy these Monday evenings; they only happen once a week.

Today’s subject: flank-steak flatulence.

Remember me, the guy with giant bratwursts instead of arms? Haha… just kidding--if I had bratwurst for arms, raccoons would have picked them clean by now, eaten them while I slept, etc.

Are you kidding? I loved the Ice Storm of ’98 (except it was a bit too icy, at times).

Instead of saying "physics" as "fizzics", call it "fye-zics"...you'll live longer. Also, pronounce silent "K"'s. Trust me.

I can cluck like a chicken or bark like a dog, but in all honesty I would prefer to do neither since passersby tend to ridicule me when I do.

Fear not, oh WILTER of DAFFODILS, for you will have your pound of flesh!

One day soon the lamb will lie down with the lion, and the lion will lie down with the lamb, and you can feel free to get in on the action.

Man is by nature a product of his mother's loins, and never of his mother's lions.

…but am I not a man of clemency? And you, do you not speak with the tongue of an asp? Are not your eyes like malevolent daggers?

…you will interested to know that there is a new group of people living in Victoria Hall. They are an ugly, ugly bunch--and that's being charitable.

…Economics was easy and I got really good marks, but it made me want to beat myself over the head with a frozen salmon. Do you know that frozen-salmon-beating urge? It doesn't have to be a salmon, just as long as it's long, icy and firm.

…I am on a ten-minute break. We just finished talking about enclitic pronunciation, so I thought I'd email you! Hahaha--that's philological humour… I am so lame.

Be my valentine, I IMPLORE YOU!!!!

…once you hear the lilting melodies of REM’s 'Find the River', you'll be whining like a crack-baby who has suffered brain contusions after having been dropped on its crack-head by its crack-pipe-hoarding mother, who's just so goddamned messed up by that crack!

When you told me your last name for some reason it stuck in my head (you know, like a big twig sticks into a boggy marsh).

…it's like when you discover that you have a colony of prairie dogs living inside your left elbow, where you thought there weren't any prairie dogs at all!! It's exactly like that and completely UNlike everything else!!

…your friend said she might be looking for a summer sublet and was inquiring about our house...gimmee the dirt on her--does she leave used tampons in the kitchen sink or anything like that?

A woman can talk about shoelaces as long as the lace is long.

…it's always interesting to compare the facial expressions of people who have to go pee, versus people who have just gone, and are swept up in waves of relief and post-urinary contentment.

…Please, by all means bring as many complete strangers into my home as you desire. I promise every single one of them a bowl of candy and a hot-oil massage.

My train of thought is not linear...more like a non-integrable log function.

I feel pretty peaceful. You only need that feeling for 10 seconds a day; it's enough to stop even a chartered accountant from killing himself.