Ideas for a Hallowe'en costume pt I

Some random suggestions if you are going to a party and are stuck...

A large pencil made of raspberries. A writing implement topped with a provocative fruit – in today’s gay-friendly Hallowe’en age, that makes sense! Also, when someone asks you for a rubber you can just shove yourself up their ass.

A walk-in clinic. Be a godsend for those without a family doctor, but keep no narcotics on your person. And a word of warning - if people bother to make appointments, make sure to enforce a strict cancellation policy.

An adult diaper. Don’t wear one, BE one! Be confident in the changing demographics. Carry a compassionate air and smooth Velcro snap. Don't worry if others take the piss out of your costume. “Some people don’t take any shit,” you can say, “but I’m proud to say I take plenty of shit!”

A one-way mirror. To be extra creepy, say to other guests, “I can see into your soul, but can you see into mine?” Have interrogations take place right behind you.

A torrid love affair. Bedeck yourself with passions; slather yourself with lust. Do not spill anything on the floors.

A herd of dromedaries. When someone asks what your costume is, spit on them as would a camel and say ‘haven’t you herd?’ Go the entire party without drinking, then draw attention to your ‘dry’ sense of humour. If things get desperate, allow yourself to be milked.

Iron silicate. Be little known - but useful.

A co-ordinate conjunction in a compound sentence. Shake your hot lil’ ‘but-and’! Surround yourself with at least two sexy clauses. If you see someone dressed as a semi-colon, shout at them 'scab labour!' or 'homewrecker!' (and vowed never to be replaced due to a bias for editorial brevity.)

If all else fails, just forget to shave, shower or wear shoes and go as a sloth.