4/23/2006

5 things that bother me about margarine

1. Tubs of it. Why ‘tub’? Tub rhymes with grub and flub and almost with dud – do you a sense a pattern here? Whoever decided to stick margi in a tub sentenced it forever to sub-optimal status.

2. Butter comes in sticks. Or blocks. But margarine just sits there greasing everything it touches. Butter? Better. Next!

3. Have you ever remained on the margarines of society? It’s an uncomfortable feeling to say the least. Escaping the poverty trap, yada yada yada. Once again it's about suboptimal status and the inertia of the class system. No I am not a communist, but I feel for those who suffer under the yolk. Yeah I say this to impress the lesbian-granola crowd.

4. Margarine is useless for fueling your automobile. I learned this the hard way. Not all petroleum products are created equal.

5. Have you ever seen margarine on Oscar Night? Nope, nowhere to be found. Glitz and glamour? Nada. Spread that between your toast!

And another thing...

If Gorbachev were here right now, I'd read his autobiography to him out loud and every ten pages or so repeat one of the sentences twice and look up and say “I think you are lying - right here, in this sentence.” If he threatened to say, put me in headlock, I would make a face at him and then stuff a sock down his mouth. As for Boris Yeltsin, I would pour that man a drink and just watch him work it baby.

2 comments:

Kat said...

and what's scary to me is that flies won't touch margarine...FLIES...

kitchen hand said...

Margarine used to come wax-paper-wrapped before marketing people put it in tubs. You could use the wax paper to grease cake tins but try that with a tub. I hate tubs as well. Jar is a much nicer word. There should be no tubs, only jars.