20 more friggin' brilliant ideas

(self-explanatory, I think)

1) Coin laundromats that double as slot machines, to reduce gambling addiction. It would take 25 minutes for the spin cycle to end and achieve payout, thus delaying instant gratification. Spot gaming addicts by how white their clothes are, while the phrase "I'm all cleaned out," takes on a fresh-scented double-meaning.

2) Instead of left-turn lanes, laughterin' lanes! Uncontrollable giggling accompanies every fatal car crash.

3) In our germophobic society, handshakes should be replaced by a universally agreed upon system of pleasant whistling noises.

4) A coffee-flavoured, tobacco-based hard liquor you inject in your forearm, as a slightly less powerful substitute for Facebook addiction.

5) A separate country for dyslexics, where each citizen has the right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Hippo Penis.

6) A kindler, gentler Mafia, where 'taking care of stoolies' means more than taking a man's life; it means taking his family out for wings afterwards.

7) We could solve the scourges of world hunger and overpopulation simultaneously, with an admittedly controversial practice I call 'corrective cannibalism'.

8) Forget the concept of 'Give a Penny, Take a Penny'. I'd be elected President in no time with my proposed 'Give a Penny, Take a Sandwich' legislation.

9) Perfume lines that don't smell like fruits, or flowers, but smell like Historical Events. Calvin Klein's Normandy Invasion. Or a history book that actually smells like the Battle of Hastings. Or, if smell was the most important sense we had, then for final exams, you wouldn't write about a given topic—you'd have to smell just like it!

10) A Portuguese custard pastry so light it actually floats on air (if you call this a 'pie in the sky idea' I will shoot you).

11) A law that forbids lineups of any kind, for any situation that involves waiting—in favour of mandatory human pyramids.

12) A 1-800 help line for plumbers who are victimized by references to 'loving caulk', having 'a crack addiction' etc.

13) If cows were religious animals, then the 'Jesus cow' would be the one who invented vegetarianism.

14) To minimize litter in alleyways, call them Litter Death Zones.

15) Men should be able to brag about universally defunct skills in order to impress women. For example, my proficiency in morse code is second to none; my copper smelting is talked about in foreign countries, and I can skin a yak with my bare gherkin. Women should play along with this harmless delusion.

16) More Jedi in our armed forces, definitely.

17) To win more funding for space exploration, more astronauts need to return to Earth in space shuttles filled to the brim with astronougat.

18) The climactic scene in any movie should be called The Nutsgrabber.

19) Great TV show idea that's still a little ways off: Shark vs. Bark: Great White Sharks battle Evil Supernatural Trees, filmed in a giant floating arena, possibly a Jello-filled Zeppelin sponsored by the Discovery Channel.

20) Motorized glaciers!


Actively Acting Out said...

Re: 'corrective cannibalism'

I had a similar idea years ago but called it 'let the hungry eat the homeless.' It didn't get very good reviews...

The Atavist said...

It's a damn good thing I finished my coffee just before I read this post.

Words don't fail you, my friend, you are just having your way with them.