shaggy pig-dog story

(animal crackers redux?)

The pig in the garden sighs a lot
and drinks a cup of cider
the reason he squeals is ’cause of the gout he
contracted from a spider

the spider’s name is Bethany
an eight-legged hairy frump
she knits a sweater with her eight long legs
and rags on grampa Grump

Grumpa’s a tarantula
he poisons people anon
Bethany bugs him about his venom
so Grampa shouts "Eh, Ron!"

now Ron’s a sexy scorpion
a jagged tailed bloke
he scares the little alley cats
sneaks into stores for Coke

the cats hiss and chase ol’ Ronnie down
it’s scorpion ‘do or die’
Ron’s saved by Tabitha, the shaggy black lab
who howls at the sky

Tabitha’s been to Brixton
where the market’s really hep
yesterday two big pigs were there:
Silly Sam and Porky Pep

Pep and Sam said to Tabitha
“You’re bound to catch the gout,”
Tabitha nodded, mentioned the pig in the garden,
“There’s been a lot of that about.”

now this story’s about pork and pop and poison,
shaggy dogs and pigs that sigh
it’s a silly little ditty ‘bout tarantulas
and scorpion chatricide;

it’s bound to raise an eyebrow,
a quick scoff or "no one cares"
but it’s got to be written anyhow
though it floats away on air

'cause dogs and poison, and pigs with gout
are what make the world go round
and so we wallow like hogs in the fancy-free
’cause it makes a pleasant sound!