11/14/2006

Why pizza can save the ocean

(highly questionable philosophical musings...)

Pizza has the property of being adored by all nations. If the nations were polluting the waterways, and were offered pizza instead, they might stop their polluting. The waterways thus owe their existence to those with solutions that involve Italian treats. But only if the pizza were delicious enough to make men neglect their destructive and in some ways instinctive habits.

Let us turn to the domestic sphere:
Large fingers are often chopped off in the hinges of rusty doors. This is something Leonardo Da Vinci discovered when he taught his lectures. Those with longer fingers suffered more frequent breakages and those with hair that got caught in hinges were almost as plaintive. The lesson: be attentive and on guard, for the majority of accidents happen in the home.

The greatest philosophers had no idea what mustard, ketchup and other condiments would mean to the modern grocery store. Philosophers deal in truth, and truth alone. Those who deal in groceries are grocers, and yet they must be acquainted with the subtruth that imports upon their trade. For the rules of business are worldly, that cannot be argued; yet the philosopher also must cross realms and deal with physical needs, that also cannot be argued, unless the philosopher is purely vapour and spirit — and yet such entities are not achievable without contacting shades and sprites from beyond the grave and channeling their quintessence while denying the transubstantiation of said quintessence. The point is that hot dogs are metaphysically intangible but gastronomically indispensable.

A barbell suspended above a doorframe is an invitation to mischief. That is tautological. A dwarf who climbs a high ladder to reach the barbell to remove it from danger might not still not be able to reach it. In this way his good intentions are nullified by his stature, and so all in the gym will mock him. For dwarves have not achieved mainstream acceptance and the barbell could shatter the skull of the next person who enters. If that person is also a dwarf the barbell could actually be taller than that dwarf. For dwarves are not tall and barbells, when suspended are destructive.

A pickle taped to a dromedary’s buttocks has certain problematic vectors. More on this next week.

1 comment:

char said...

you're making me hungry with your pizza and hot dogs (with various condiments) and pickles. i only have eggs and bread and maybe some tea. good breakfast fixins.