20 astonishing facts of history

(google em yourself)

1) The Italian monument was a filthy mess, until Michelangelo's wife crafted the famed Cleaning Towel of Pisa.

2) Superstition prompted Genghis Khan to undergo dangerous organ transplants after each battle. He misheard advice from a witch doctor, who he thought said 'The Great Khan will be immortal, and outliver his enemies."

3) George Bush knows he can't subdue Iraq militarily so has asked Congress to send 92,000 rowdy American tourists to overwhelm the Middle East during Spring break.

4) Darwin's personal motive behind the Theory of Evolution was to legitimize his torrid passion with Kongo, the great ape of the London Zoo, as a relationship between equals and not a monkey-man perversion. Also in his retirement years he was an staunch activist for Sasquatch rights.

5) The guillotine was invented as a more humane way of slicing cheese.

6) Helen of Troy was known as the Anna Nicole Smith of Antiquity.

7) Horace commanded an exorbitant salary as the Poet Laureate of Rome. There was also his controversial demand of a car per diem.

8) As a five-year-old Isaac Newton drew an apple on his forehead, proving his controversial Theory of Graffiti.

9) Dusk curfews for children were instituted so that adults could stay up late and watch 'constellation porn'.

10) Einstein's kids were all incredible athletes - sprinters in fact. They never excelled at intellectual pursuits - because, in accordance with dad's discoveries, the faster they moved, the denser they became.

11) Napoleon had a 'little man' complex, and marched all across Europe just to find a pair of men's jeans that would fit his scrawny butt.

12) It has come to light that the Great Crash of '29 happened when all stockbrokers began using PCs.

13) As a young punk Martin Luther rebuked the Catholic church as a dull, constipated body. As a symbolic taunt he nailed his 95 feces to a church door.

14) Shakespeare wrote 'Hamlet' with the uncredited help of Woody Allen.

15) Otto von Bismarck said that unifying the German and Prussian states was still easier than tying a half-hitch sheep-shank.

16) Garibaldi marched through southern Italy, not liberating but 'liberalizing' towns along the way. It was a year long parade, full of pride, and he wore a flamboyant red t-shirt.

17) Marco Polo returned from travel and wrote three travel guides: 'Lonely Planet: The Orient', 'Conquer the East in just 300 Ships '; ' Chinese food for Italians - steal these recipes!'

18) Magellan sailed around the world and when he got back his housemates still hadn't done the dishes!

19) When nobody was looking William Tell fired an arrow directly through his son's face.

20) Stalin demolished Gandhi in an arm-wrestling match. Years later India got revenge by flooding the Earth with software engineers.

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