24 profound revelations

(may require a complete re-thinking of your existence)

1) Why were there four Gospels written, instead of just one? Did the four evangelists not trust each other to get it right? Or they each wanted to take the credit for themselves. Seems that way. Hanging on the J-man's coattails - so typical.

2) Eleven people stomping on your throat hurts just as much as five people stomping on your throat.

3) Just because you compost, and don't contaminate the groundwater by throwing dead batteries in the trash doesn't mean you aren't an asshole.

4) You don't own the moon and neither do I. Who owns the moon? Why, that's P.J. PennyPincher, an evil billionaire. Remember whenever you look at the moon, that P.J. PennyPincher is up there - oppressing an innocent civilization of docile moon men.

5) It's weird how my auntie used to say, "Don't call me late for dinner, or I will feed you a poison breakfast!" But she never did.

6) A 'pack rat' with kleptomania would be relatively easy to catch.

7) Everyone would be 'on time' and no one would 'give foot rubs' if 'meetings' meant 'foot rubs' and 'foot rubs' meant 'meetings'. [?]

8) The great mass of humanity will never know the joys of individualism.

9) It's always 'hypotenuse this' and 'hypotenuse that'. The other two sides of a triangle must get jealous. But then again, it's a triangle.

10) I admit that a song titled 'Hotel Californium' might be interesting, but it caters to a very select audience of chemistry nerds.

11) People who are cute and who smile a lot often get held back from promotion. In Australia alone, komodo dragons fill the executive ranks while millions of cuddly koala bears are doomed to toil in the service industry.

12) It must be hard staying motivated if you're a potter, knowing that human beings perfected the water jar thousands of years ago.

13) Concealed weapons are so unsportsmanlike. If you have a concealed knife, I'd rather you said "Don't trust me, I'm carrying a knife!' instead of biding your time and then stabbing me.

14) Women pirates love arguing with their husbands. For them it's always about argh! you men! tation.

15) Camera-phones are a much better idea than what I once invented: the toaster-fax. A machine that catches fire any time you send a fax is pret-ty worthless.

16) A pocket full of posies? Forget that. I'd rather take a pocket full of quarters - or a pocket full of gold - any day. Or a giant robot that speaks 15 languages and serves you limonata whenever you want.

17) I could move to Egypt and build the world's largest outdoor triangular prism - if only I had a million Hebrew slaves.

18) Don't knock it: radioactive waste has made me a lot smarter. People always say "You've got a good head protruding from underneath your shoulder!"

19) People who don't write in complete sentences

20) Improving the smells on this planet requires a complete re-imagining of what it means to fart.

21) If I were a space traveler, I wouldn't put up with all this fuss from milk drinkers. 'Intergalactose' will be universally tolerated!

22) If my name were Colleen I would hate owning a phone. 'Oh, someone's calling, Colleen! Or 'It's Colleen calling! Or - if I was from India and my name was Obanji Pinthador, and whenever someone knocked on the door my wife screeched 'Open the door, O. Pinthador!' that would be tres annoying.

23) I absolutely hate it when this one friend of mine vomits, curses and then rolls over me, just because he's a wheelchair-bound alcoholic with Tourette's syndrome.

24) Don't trust me - I'm carrying a knife!


silvia said...


The Mighty Kat said...

My favorite:

3) Just because you compost, and don't contaminate the groundwater by throwing dead batteries in the trash doesn't mean you aren't an asshole.