email I never sent you on my birthday

the truth (emotional, not objective. hard on the stomach but it sets you free?)i guess i come on too strongi should never have told you that i like you so much. it's given you a big head.and i know this is none of my business but -i can't kiss you any more if you're sleeping around.but you're right, it's actually very much my business. but what i mean i have no right to wish you wouldn't mess around, which is another no-brainer. or maybe i do have a right, not an objective one but certainly an emotional one.i guess that is my fear, that i'm just another notch on your scorecard, a one-dimensional idiot in one of your stories. maybe some guys could deal with that buti can't, ie can't still want to be intimate with you even when i know you are having 'personal time' with others. it's not that I believe in monogamy so much asi deserve better. or maybe i don't deserve better, buti would eventually want you as my girlfriend - this much i have come to understand about me and my developing feelings for you, feelings you are trying to stamp out in their infant stages, perhaps because i'm simply not that attractive (um, no) perhaps b/c you don't want to hurt me because i'm 'nice'. and you don't trust yourself not to hurt me, because you seem to have a lot of baggage which you don't hesitate to bring up in order to scare me. hey, nothing helps a neurosis like spreading it around. everyone has a past, i can live with that. i can deal with baggage. but what i can't live with- you are sending out so many signals that youdon't want to or can't be with me, at the same time you lean in to kiss me. now i enjoy kissing you immensely but i'm reading the signals loud and clear.i know i deserved to have my mind fucked with afterthe way i dealt with the m____ thingmaybe you felt like second fiddle, which i feel truly awful about, but ireally i thought i was doing the proper thing by telling you i couldn't go out with youbecause she was there first, which is really the only reason, ie that she and i had more ofa history which when i read it over actually sounds gutless and even more horrible. but that is so in the past, an immature relationship with absolutely no intimacy - and i'm trying i'm trying to move forward.you keep bringing up her name whenever i tell you that'i like you too much', which makes it basically impossible to move forward,as though for some reason youdon't believe that i like you, like you as in like you for you, not just because you are hot or pretty or it's what i need to say to get you to sleep with me. trust me i don't want to sleep with someone who isn't madly attracted to me or who has doubts as to whether i'm worth it. i am realizing now i should back off. that's what you want. you suspect that i'm not worth it.some things i guess i shouldn't tell, or ask. but you say that you like the truth, well here it isi really do like you, am seriously attracted to yo, mind and body, and perhaps yes i'm looking for a little soul.i wish you could believe that; you choose not to, or you just like to play games i'm not sure, or perhaps i suspect this worst of all - that you don't trust yourself not to screw it up if we were serious so you'll sabotage it from the getgo and hey that's why you keep telling me how you're moving out of town within the year. ok i get it that's a pretty obvious hint. but part of me suspects it's an attempt at fooling me into thinking it could never work but really you're fooling yourself to believe it will never work because you realize to your dismay i am a goddamn good catch and oh the irony now you've got me on the hook - there for the taking - but you're afraid to get tossed overboard yourself, lose control and so you're trying to throw me back before your life gets jarred from its newfound comfort zone. well on a superficial level i can understand you value comfort and but really that's just cruel and for someone who hates fishing it's damn hypocritical to let me danglei'm sorry. really not in the habit of being this conceited. unforgivable really.- I still think we can be incredible.(no pressure)

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