I'm Not Racist When You're Already Dead

Top ten peoples of antiquity I despise:

1. Phoenicians - apparently the first civilization to create the bireme. And the last civilization to discover deodorant! They became the Carthaginians, who were sacked by the Romans, aka my peeps. They spoke Punic. Or should it be P.U.nic. Famous for inventing the alphabet, and I glory in using their invention against them.
2. Visigoths - led by Alaric I, they sacked Rome - aka my peeps - in 410 AD. It still hurts, like they sacked me at 4:10 am Tuesday morning.
3. Cimbri - threatened my peeps around the 2nd century BC. I scoff at their Jutlandian origins.

Rounding out the top 10, minus justifications and unreadable Wikipedia links (besides it should be obvious):

4. Dravidians
5. Mycenaeans
6. Nubians
7. Amakelites (real sore spot there)
8. Beothuk
9. Gazpatcho
10. Minestrone

Ok, those last two are more soup than people. Nevertheless!


5 ways to tell he doesn't like your turtleneck

(Cosmo, look out)

1) 'He' is your boss and you try to suck up by working late and he just says "You're fired for wearing that turtleneck."
2) You're sitting in a bus shelter and a crow flies at your face and pecks your forehead. Just then you get a text message asking you to buy a new turtleneck.
3) His favourite game is Words that Rhyme with Things I Hate and his answers are always "Thor Gerbil Heck" or "Yore Werble Schmeck."
4) He enters a pet store and cuts the neck off one of the turtles, and as he's arrested he says it's all your fault. You refuse to visit him in jail and he's partially relieved.
5) He successfully removes you from the endangered species list.

Waiting for the furniture to sell

Bodacious cutlass cuddles crowd pesky moray eels. Fashion fish fisticuffs gurgle to crescendo, raucous rallentando when your legs begin to go. Eek on mean streets, drag snow to sidewalks, talk hours to your mother on a walk around the block. He who was toned? Thrown in the clink. Outlaw maverick dries fruit inside a sink. Vishnu drank in shame, inside outside, that's how he earned his fame. Now it's Meebo and twitter, everyone too busy to hire a babysitter. The Mexicans are mild, Plaxico drove them wild. I'm from New England so I'm like a whining child. Oh you bugbears, sellers beware, hooking plastic drums to the tips of your hair - please learn to share. Now what to do with Friday nights? Explore alleyways with flashlights, place bets on fistfights, check my skin for parasites, awake my inner luddite.