The Life and Times of Jerry Fischmaker (@Understatedman)

I love twitter but I can't stand all the interaction.

Palm Beach Calisthenics

1. Why not smucker your pucks and drop your digits? It's a little after ten and I'm slewshing anew. Big Bill Boggins bought a racecar. Left out to throw out music from the ashtray, slapped on plastic and masked Michaelmas mournings. Ovid drew a nice noose from a sluice caboose, yelling half an hour an hour near the suburbs of Toulouse, "Crack my gills, smack windowsills - I'm yellow and fed on fear, I've eleven of your twelve-year-olds, they're German and they're kind." I don't swear like I used to but otherwise I'm fine. 
2. Gob left the Earth and tried to jump, I never knew he didn't have an elephant and I was killing peanuts to the potions to the best of the rest, the leftout cassocks, the rousted mass monks, the fifty-four five-fruit trays filled with kiwis, the wired rests the diacritical extrapolations and the Federation of the Jest. 
3. Oh Meg, you could drum! So easy to hum. I don't know what love is. In Piazza Grande lies the bum. 
4. We worked too hard. We were tired. I lived too long, didn't leave myself to future generations, I consumed all I had, I was afraid of leaving, stretched out the living, didn't invest in centuries of infrastructure, took civilization-building as someone else's problem, couldn't make the connection between watching reality tv and ignoring reality.
5. Left to devices, the bridge ices, smoker vices, rice dries, pies fly, sighs cry, eyes die.
6. Clogged to the cuffs, I considered all the stuff I had. I let out the hallway. Filled with dust. I must mop, I can't stop. Sheer smiles are worth the admission, left out on sidewalk with a hat and poor nutrition. Contrite and bleeding, walking up and around all about with yellow, moments of mild meanness mixed with patience, stayed up all night working on your science project, the baking soda volcano, year of the ash, Anno domino, pompeii exploded in seventy-nine, trapped in time 20000 loose living Romans coughing on their rapidly crashing property values, priceless tourism snapshots to be vandalized and voyeured like Snooki's blog. 

15 lacklustre scintillating pronouncements

1. Cardigans are totally unnecessary.
2. Warm winter wetnaps are useful for three w-words in a row.
3. When we think about the piling on of popular opinion, we may as well soak our heads in a tile bath.
4. Would it not be strange to unlock a locket and see that it was full of shark teeth. That means you were actually in love a shark, or you were a shark dentist (that is, a dentist for sharks). Or your lover got eaten by a shark, and you decided to avenge her. That is the full set of solutions.
5. I was sitting in a restaurant and the waitress came up to me and asked for fifty cents. I said 'are you really a waitress' and she said 'please sir, get into the movie theatre.' I forgot to add, this took place in a movie theatre, and the first part is made up.
6. Nothing exists that does not exist. 
7. That is: Nothing is that isn't
8. Existence exists
9. Farmers farm
10. And yet, words don't always mean what they say?
11. Ok back on track: if you are ever in Toronto I can recommend an excellent sandwich.
12. When I get like this, and I'm NOT in front of a keyboard, there's a lot of lousy dancing.
13. My problem is I can remember almost everything I've ever said. Repetition is the enemy. And yet, the underlying form is not to be touched. Form over content.
14. I could have a niche covering all the people who kill bats for a living, who need cheap Rx pills mailed in five business days or less, who polish saxophones for military marching bands; these are important segments.
15. Ever get frustrated by the keyboard or the mouse? I mean, have we ever blamed QWERTY? What would literature be like if we had the Dvorak keyboard? I know I would probably be a Romanian count.

16 things I just gotta tell you

1. There are people out there who have written entire books about lactic acid. And molybdenum. I bet they wish people had more than two eyeballs. Especially now that attention spans are directed centrally by Evan and Biz from Twitter.
2. Baseball players get to work in pajamas. Before you boo me off this blog for a non-innovative thought, remember - this is a sign they find baseball as sleepy as you do. 
3. All this technological innovation, and we still have HR recruiters out there who hire based on 'handshake quality'. Glad I went to university but too bad I failed the course on 'handshake confidence' that is a mark of preparedness for the digital workforce.
4. I eat a lot of refreshing yogurt products and still I don't get silky-smooth skin. What gives, lifestyle ads?
5. Also, I have an appetite for dried figs, but I have never eaten a dried pineapple. Dried citrus doesn't seem to work.
6. When things are going bad, consider the Kurds. They haven't given up. Although, maybe they should.
7. Someone told me I wrote dark humour. I said, "That would strain your eyes," and I apologized. He said "don't take it literally" and I chided him for littering in an alley. He said "no pun intended" and I told him that ignorance of the law is no excuse.
8. Sing after me: "Turn around, bright eyes". Great song. But now stop and consider how creepy EYES TURNING AROUND IN THEIR SOCKETS would actually be. Clearly Bonny Tyler wrote this song for the undead. It's disgusting.
9. When I look at Google Earth and consider the vast expanses of undeveloped land in the New World, I feel that my bid to conquer the Antarctic still has a chance.
10. Weird expression, "drowning in tears." You can't drown in your own tears. Unless you save them for later, and compile a reservoir of tears. But you are more likely to suffocate in your own hair, or fall down a hole while being chased by your dandruff.
11. With amazing advances in prosthesis, an amputee may get an artificial limb and live a mostly normal life. But when my favourite wallet gets stolen, why can't I get an artificial wallet? Hey, that wallet was one of a kind.
12. Public drunkenness is far more tolerable if you are the drunk.
13. Don't be angry if your bus is late. Be angry that the bus has a lousy farebox recovery ratio, and future taxpayers will have to pay a subsidy. Remember that Ayn Rand never took a bus, and built a flying contraption not unlike a helicopter, fashioned out of old bookshelves and a shard from her cold iron heart, all powered by an invisible hand.
14. It's weird that young people think that adding powdered cheese to a bag of baked corn chips is 'the new normal'. Not to mention, if cheese can achieve a form so powdery fine that I could just inhale it, then let's skip the corn chip step, and just charge me monthly per cubic foot of powdered cheese.
15. Calling someone you dislike 'crabby' does almost nothing to improve the odds that they will get tossed alive into a pot of boiling water. You may as well call them 'lobstery'. 'Hey, there's Lobstery Joe!' You could even call them that to their face, and they would be none the wiser. There's an upside to everything.
16. We expect people to cover their mouths when they yawn. We expect people to cover their nose when they sneeze. Can you see where I'm going with this? Why should I be ridiculed for selling a new line of vomit-suppression scarves. Also, why don't people cover their hands when they tickle?

Lifestyle micro- tips coming soon to a YouTube channel near you

• Fastest way to fill in a scantron bubble
• Fastest way to put mail inside a mailbox
• How to dodge a stroller on a narrow sidewalk
• Best way to ascend a winding staircase
• How to button up a shirt
• How to hang toilet paper
• Best way to put cream in your coffee
• Fastest way to dry your hands
• How to roll out of bed without injuring yourself
• How hard to push a stapler
• How to unwrap a dry cleaning bag
• Fastest way to draw a stick figure
• Best way to unwrap tape
• Where to put your shoes at a house party
• Least messy way to squash a spider
• Fastest way to light candles on a cake
• The fastest way to remove sand from your sandals
• When to eat lunch at the office
• Which urinal to choose (during a power outage)
• Fastest way to gargle
• How close to wait behind the other person at the ATM
• How to find the exact middle page of a book
• Fastest way to remove flyers from a magazine.
• How to quickly tell if someone has removed the Sports section from the newspaper.
• The best angle to hold your pen
• How to quickly find the right house key

Verbatim

Exercise
Write
Act, no plan
Read
Rent
Invest
Organize
Gather
Cultivate
Network
Get born
Flower
Flourish
Take stock
Account
Develop

Some wisdom just before lunch

1. Love it or list it--just get it out of my hallway, before I kick it off the balcony!
2. When a man is upset, cover his face with soothing lotions. When a man is on fire, do the same. This is a kind of consistency that few appreciate, least of all an angry burn victim.
3. The word 'factotum' will be downsized from the dictionary, forcing the phrase 'snap-scrotum' to do double duty. Many will be confused, and none will be pleased.
4. To avoid scandal, do not mix  yourself up in any assassination plots. This is harder than it looks. 
5. Drive more slowly, chew more noisily, breathe more forcefully, whistle more relentlessly. You will lose a few friends this way, but have awakened a way of life.

14 assertions you can take to the bank

[Don't ask me how I know, just know that you now know.]

1. Colbert and Stewart will get out of the satire business and decide to craft America's perfect root beer.
2. Petroleum proves to be made mostly out of leprechauns. The maxim "When you drill for oil, you disturb the Irish" will be in vogue. When you see a rainbow in your gasoline, remember where that pot of gold really is.
3. A tragic mistake is made when fifty thousand drums of ketchup are sent on a ship bound for Rotterdam, where they dunk french fries in mayonnaise only. Asked to explain himself, the ship's captain will argue his only true mistake was erasing last night's episode of Jeopardy!.
4. Things that melt in your mouth, not in your hand prove to be heretical to  flamethrowers, but obvious to fire eaters.
5. A drunk midget will control the levers of power in the European fashion industry. Those seeking access to top international designers must volunteer to stay sober and learn how to drive a tiny SUV.
6. A quest to reclaim the Holy Land from yuppies meets unforeseen obstacles when Jerusalem office workers discover yoga mats make very plush seat covers.
7. First Contact turns ugly when UFOs land at a CFO convention in Boston, demanding an audience with Earth's leaders. When the CFOs suggest the UFOs  should meet the Earth's CEOs, the aliens scoff at the perceived mispelling, and threaten to melt the planet with an infrared pulsar bomb while shouting 'UEOs! UEOs!' 
8. The Seventh Sign is revealed when Boris Yeltsin returns to Earth as an offensive defenseman for the Montreal Canadiens. When Yeltsin smites Sidney Crosby with a devastating hipcheck, siamese-twin serpents spring from holes in the ice and devour the injured Penguin's mouthguard, creating a YouTube sensation and earning Yeltsin the nickname 'Boris SnakeBite'
9. A madman races across the Sahara desert in search of free wifi access, stupidly unaware that the password is 'scorpion'.
10. The ghost of Queen Cleopatra proves to be an excellent predictor of 2014 World Cup outcomes. A special section for necromancers is installed in every sports booking table in Brazil casinos -- while a backlash against Paul the Octopus and other invertebrate prognosticators means the vast majority of calamari are still sliced up and fried or pickled.
11. Cartoon physicists cite evidence that Isaac Newton discovered gravity right before an anvil fell on his head, but tested his theories only after running off a cliff and looking down.
12. DJs and rappers will be forbidden from using capitals in their name, or any intentionally misspelled words. The only people allowed to misspell their names will be inner-city elementary school teachers, who sadistically force students to write out the new names hundreds of times on electric chalkboards they call 'scratchpads'.
13. Equal rights will be realized in an advanced society of sleepwalkers. Where you are from and who you know will not matter nearly as much how loud you snore, how padded your stairs are and whether your drool can be monetized.
14. Justice is finally done when, after centuries of having it land on them, sidewalks win the right to chew our gum.

Top 10 Cupcake Man Jersey Shore Nicknames

[inspired by Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino]

1. Xupcake Man
2. FREE-CUPPs
3. Bloggzy
4. TDottily
5. BloodCuddler
6. Ramblo
7. MiSCter E
8. Prose-Echo
9. Misa Fred Moe Cupcake
10. The Internast

8 ways to brighten your mood

[requires a few basic supplies and a semi-permeable membrane]

1. Fire hoses spraying elephant dung - yes.
2. Win a Toblerone for every cheetah cub you save on the way to work. Has to be yelping in pain or flailing in a trapper's net somewhere. Double Toblerone for saving the mother cheetah
   
3. Leave extra space between you and the next car, allowing room for your pumped up sense of self!
   
4. Eat only raisins and tell yourself they are the shrunken heads of evil dictators
5. Spar with a old man, knock him unconscious if you have to. He's reliving his glory days, which is awesome.
6. Sweeten the mood of a loved one by extracting all of his or her salt content. You will need a semi-permeable membrane, lots of water, and patience.
7. Marvel aloud at the racetrack how sweaty the horses are and how nice it would be to wrap them in a puffy towel.
   
8. Motion toward a stranger. When he approaches, offer him a box of paper clips. If he refuses, note it well, plant a tracking device on his coat, and add him to your database of People who Have Enough Paperclips. When the paperclip shortage hits, you have the 'intel' you need to navigate the crisis.

Love it or list it

1. I would produce a lot more blog posts if I were batting cleanup.
2. Drunk driving would pay more if jail was like the lottery
3. People in coffee shops are more serious than is comfortable. Perhaps there is an opportunity for some enterprising coffee shop clowns to brighten our moods with heavily-makeuped antics and horn-honking while we type into this apathetic oblivion.
   
4. Driving in a swamp with an outboard engine on your boat is a good idea if pirates are chasing you and they are relying on wind power. Driving in a swamp at most other times is inadvisable.
   
5. Facebook has neutralized complainers. This doesn't sit well with me. I want more violent public outburst. This blog will have to do. INFIDELS.
   
6. 99% of everything meets with casual contempt -- the jackasses would have you believe.
   
7. Cynics only think they win if they think you are listening
8. Don't open a cheese shop if you can't handle the smell. This goes for anything you might do that might have consequences you might not handle. Basically, to accurately predict your performance far into the future is an invaluable skill, although if we master this skill the psychic industry will go out of business--but they'll see that coming so it's just a part of globalization.
   
9. Try opening the door for someone. Now, try doing it for 45 minutes straight. You've gone from being 'polite' to being 'a doorman', you cranky doorman!
10. Don't complain about things not tasting like they used to. Newsflash: Nothing tastes like it used to. Once you eat it the first time, it's gone!
11. Wait until midnight before setting your alarm. If you want to sleep for 7 hours, set it for 7 o'clock. There, I just saved you the hassle of arithmetic. Of course, if you want to wake up at 7 o'clock regardless of when you go to bed or how much you want to sleep, you can set your alarm at anytime.
    
12. Don't put on clothes if you're about to get the electric chair. Worse than being electrocuted naked is getting an autopsy done with static-y clothes.
13. Speaking of static: Plastic dryer ball in the dryer - good idea. Plastic dryer ball in your mouth - a bad idea. Who cares if your throat is wrinkle and static free. You are poisoning yourself needlessly. If you want to swallow things, try vitamin D tablets - 1000 units daily can help prevent cancer.
    
14. Rap music, polka music, banshee music, hip hop music - it's all just music. All music is identical if you are from outer space and an alien with no ears. We all could have saved a lot of time for the aliens and just had one radio station called Homogeneous Radio FM. Now when the aliens invade they will be more pissed off than necessary. Enslavement + extra punishment = smarten up next time, humans!
    
15. Until we either make peace with or annihilate the ants, they will continue plundering our dust mines. Simple as that. I have my magnifying glass, but no one I know can speak the language of antish diplomacy. Next move is totally up to you guys.
    

Stephen Harper's Vacation Auto-replies

1. "I am out of the office until March 3. If this is about a breach of democracy, please call my press secretary Dimitri, ext. 666."
2. "Sorry, I'm out of Ottawa while we renovate the House. Have to tear a few things down. I bet you won't recognize the place when I'm done!"
3. "I'm still detained in Afghanistan - man, talk about torture! I'll get that information you requested as soon as I can. Could take a while."
4. "For the next little while I'll be trading Parliament Hill's eternal flame for Vancouver's Olympic torch. Please join me in watching the flames of our nation burn!"
5. "Democracy is halted until I find enough unelected senators to let it function properly."
6. "If your legislation failed to pass before the end of 2009, don't worry, you are not alone. Please contact us again in the springtime, when you can try to pass it through the House yourself."
7. "While we are away from the office, there will be no refund of your tax dollars. However, stay tuned for phase two of our economic action plan. Remember, your money supports our tropes."
8. "Sorry you noticed that I'm away! Due to Jean Chretien's bad example, we are prorogued. We are working as fast as possible to make sure nobody notices anything again."
9. "Any top civil servants requesting re-appointments during this time may contact my finger."
10. "I will not be in touch with most Canadians at this time."

Inspired by playful partisan contest on the Liberal web site. See (non Liberal) Andrew Coyne's latest blog on the prorogation travesty.

Resolutions

1. Resuscitate more life forms via electrostatic reverse-cryogenics
2. Part hair in accordance with a normal distribution
3. Master the truck-to-truck propane transfer
4. Relentlessly self-actuate. Failing that, wiltingly self-deprecate
5. Cell-divide mitotically on even-numbered days of the month
6. Three words: Laser-tag Wednesdays
7. Burn down the Museum of Arson
8. Punctuate more punctiliously. Alliterate less repetitively. Write more adverbially
9. Perform at least one gastric bypass surgery
   
10. Increase sandwich production, decrease sandwich consumption. Invest sandwich-offset credits in emerging shawarma economy
    

Today's random insults

1. I am witness to a horrific belching trend.
2. We are undone by pitiless boinkery.
3. Woe to wicked! They have seven extra toes.
4. Shall I call you Shasta, or shithead?
5. Your brogue is a vulgar shrieking thing.
   
6. I have often considered you a leech-pig. I am proved right.
7. Swim in my pool and I will forcefeed you a mutton bazooka.
8. You are a man of hardened cheese.
9. Your Swedish-princess tickler is now in the mail.
10. Oh, Mr. Sludgemuffin - your hair's blown away in the wind!
11. I agree the coastal towns should sell more butter! But you've absconded with my churn.
    
12. Vicious meadowlarks defy my every ordinance. I shall torch the mountainside and begin anew.

11 Tantalizing Headlines (for future posts)

1. 1 Year Plan for World Domination (including mid-plan sabbatical because it's really easy)
2. I'm Actually Not As Crazy As I Was Five Minutes Ago (and other discouraging trends)
   
3. Words I Will Now Refuse to Read
4. What Mild Rejection Has Taught Me (aka 1 year plan to settle for a boring desk job)
5. If Only I Could Hear at Canine Frequencies ...
6. Beyonce Is My Cousin?? Eww, That's Travolting!
7. I Never Wash My Hands (But I Do Wash My Fists... With The Blood of Aliens!)
8. How I Greened My Nightmares
9. Facebook, The Movie? Meet Cupcake Man, The Smiling!
10. Ear Wax: Why Those Who Have It Just Don't Care, And Those Who Don't Are Jealous
11. Please...Talk To Me When I'm Listening

8 Ideas for Blogonomic Stimulus

Latest reports from Statistics Blogger showed I posted only 31 times in 2008, which is--ouch--less than 10% of my first year output, when I posted exactly 365 times, or almost once per day (2004 was a leap year).

Ideas to get me out of my blogonomic recession:

1) Tax-free blogging accounts. Own a blog, pay no taxes on that blog.

2) Make-work blog posts. Fill a page with words, post it, don't worry about editing. Could look something like this:

Flark doodle pansy poop ina fracktacular momentous goop handled fridge magnet moneymaker. Did things like pizza ever pepper the peonies till poems proud did pander out to the west side of the syrup factory foreman's left ankle? Oh crows in a cello salesman's wallet! Eat more Pez and gargle Listerine lustily till the edge of the cole slaw melted more quickly than a bridge builder boosted a bashful boy. If the Fez freaks ever drown a tadpole then I've got more legs than a horned owls has feathers. If that doesn't impress you, then read this, gawk slackjawed and grew twenty extra pairs of ears. Oh yes, the expectations of an oration after Obama's inauguration let's turn off CNN and focus on Playstation...

Wait a sec, I already do a bit of this...

3) Invest in solar, geothermal and other alternative-energy writing strategies. Screw my Mac's AC adaptor, I'm installing a wind turbine: This should create 5,000,000 highly intelligent and dynamic green-sector blog posts by 2015.

4) Increase blog unemployment benefits. Instead of beating myself up over lazines, buy more lattés and stare therapeutically into space.

5) Blog protectionism. I'll blog only about my blog and its blog products. Pageviews may suffer, but at least I won't get any bad comments.

6) Rewrite old posts to compete with bleeding edge products. This means reworking beastly screeds like this into punchy grabbums like this. Take that, TMZ!

7) Blog ironically about the economy.Yes, tackling the global financial mess with wit and verve.

8) More lists. God they're so easy.

Job Titles 1998-2008

Too many!

• Student in Economics, Classics, Linguistics, Italian, Publishing, Urban Planning, Web Design
• Office Drone
  
• Humour Editor
• Local News Reporter
• Editor-in-Chief
• University Recruitment Officer
• Expat in Italy
  
• Cupcake Man
• Chateauvian: Pastry Chef and Rock Concert Promoter
  
• Teaching Assistant
• Chef, Community Soup Kitchen
  
• Pun Gent
• Would Be Community Organizer (Ha Ha)
• Campaign Volunteer
  
• Event Planner and Fundraiser
• Freelance Web Designer(eg buy this book)
  
• Copy and Technical Writer
• Amateur Bartender
  
• Copy and Online Editor
• Digital Media Director
• Web Content Manager (Advancement Division)
• Squeaky Fat Guy

Conclusion: He tried hard to outrace boredom.

25 alternatives to calling it "The Next Great Depression"

1. The Greater Depression
2. The Megathump
3. The Plummeting
4. Global Smackdown
5. The Black Debt
6. The Beggary
7. The Crunk
8. EconoPox!
9. The Harrowing MegaSputter
10. The Intolerable Mellowing
11. Cashtration Nation
12. The Unemplosion
13. The Wayward Lurch
14. World War Wimpy
15. The InterKnot
16. Earth & Wind and Firings
17. Beetle Bailout
18. The WTF by The WTO
19. IMFucking Worried
20. The Epic Fail
21. DOW, That Hurts!
22. The EI-EI-EI OWE
23. TSX in the Shitty
24. Dustbowl II: Lust in the Dust
25. The Greedemption

Yours?

10 Ideas for NaNoWriMo

1. The Unpronounceable Murmurings of Nathaniel P GurgleFist: tracking the final syllables of a man on his deathbed who tries to communicate with his fist in his mouth. A sad tale of phonetic potential ultimately squandered.
   
2. A man and a giant squid play chess underwater at SeaWorld. Man falls in love with squid. Squid demurs. Man pokes squid with a bobby pin and squid explodes in a passionate inky death. Nah too slapstick.
   
3. An anal-retentive druid comes home from work one day to a giant smelly outhouse stench in the druid guild hall and so he invents monotheism to piss off his colleagues.
4. A Root Beer Float for Ramses II: The Egyptian Pharaoh builds a time machine and travels to 1964 Salt Lake City where he runs a soda bar and embraces Mormonism. When the ghost of El Ron Rubbard (L Ron Hubbard's GalactoMexican nemesis) comes to him in a dream Ramses realizes that the time machine is not enough -- he must travel to the centremost planet of the galaxy, and co-write the deepest commandment of the universe and purge existence of all its thetans (Also, Get Behind Me Thetan!)
   
5. Kurt Vonnegut is raised from the dead when all the Earth's alarm clocks go off at once during a public reading by Matt Damon of Cat's Cradle. Zombie Vonnegut has X-ray vision and feasts on the skulls of Bush era Republicans. He can still draw pictures of sphincters but in his incomprehensible zombie drawl he has difficulty finding an art agent.
6. Go Bjork, Young Man: A photojournalist in Iceland is obsessed with Bjork. The nations newspapers pitch in and pay for his therapy (hey that's just a cheap shot at Bjork)
   
7. Emus for Tootie: The Facts of Life musical hits New Zealand, and it has trouble attracting an audience. Until Peter Jackson saves the day by taking the reins and introducing a loveable cast of hairy footed women who go to boarding school and wear frumpy clothing. Andy Serkis as Tootie.
   
8. The Strange Dreams of One Iris Groovethorne: a day by day listing of Iris Groovethorne's incredible dreams. Oh just you blanche at the dreaming!
   
9. Eleven cats live a life a feline frivolity in a sewer main somewhere in downtown West Palm Beach. Until one day a twelfth cat falls down a trapdoor from street and claims to be an escapee of Donald Trump's $125-million mansion renovation where even the cats are put to work and they are forced to give up their feline independence. The cats confront Trump's construction crews and assault them with an ingenious series of Ernest-Goes-to-Camp style forest-guerilla assaults, A must read for cat lovers and home improvement buffs as well as forest gorillas. Jim Varney's corpse appears in the final chapter and is mined for its poetic symbolism.
10. Tread Lightly, Dr. Jung: Carl Jung wakes up one morning and discovers he has been transformed into a giant insect archetype. Sigmund Freud tries to swat him with a couch, among other trials. Eastern Europe is thrown into fits of sniggering. Not for Westerners.
    

I'm Not Racist When You're Already Dead

Top ten peoples of antiquity I despise:

1. Phoenicians - apparently the first civilization to create the bireme. And the last civilization to discover deodorant! They became the Carthaginians, who were sacked by the Romans, aka my peeps. They spoke Punic. Or should it be P.U.nic. Famous for inventing the alphabet, and I glory in using their invention against them.
2. Visigoths - led by Alaric I, they sacked Rome - aka my peeps - in 410 AD. It still hurts, like they sacked me at 4:10 am Tuesday morning.
3. Cimbri - threatened my peeps around the 2nd century BC. I scoff at their Jutlandian origins.

Rounding out the top 10, minus justifications and unreadable Wikipedia links (besides it should be obvious):

4. Dravidians
5. Mycenaeans
6. Nubians
7. Amakelites (real sore spot there)
8. Beothuk
9. Gazpatcho
10. Minestrone

Ok, those last two are more soup than people. Nevertheless!