Agh fest 2010

Agh, I am spitting again, we lug loogies to mouth, then shout. I see, agh, a cowboy atop a church organ. It's a Spaghetti Western, Ennio Morricone as the angel of life and death. A fist flashes, light extinguishes itself.

Attempt to reincarnate. Attempt to relate. Mind-reading will be a feature on our next beta release. Don't bother teasing, individuality happily ceases, empathy's well-worn when I know everything you do, we are to each other a bland familiar stew...

Oh my dove, fly away, find land. Was the Odyssey just evolutionary adaptation? I'm on cold charred Galapologan islands, finding fish with finger-hooks, eeking existence from the pages of a book.

Agh - I was drunk this month, I was a pedestrian run over by a Hummer. Winter without snow, lets the homeless lie low, on King Street, where we eat street meat, where beauty meets slush, and anyone well-dressed is probably in a rush.

Tell me a story, write about your travels. To travel is to work. Packing and unpacking like George Clooney, up in the air, we expect customer service, lug lives here through air. We mostly hit eject, sucking in information, like children eating to prepare for the next stage of growth, just a billion little larvae who've grown a second mouth.

We are electric these days, we travel in every direction instantaneously. She said "I don't need your word of mouth when I got the search engines on my side."


Stephen Harper's Vacation Auto-replies

  1. "I am out of the office until March 3. If this is about a breach of democracy, please call my press secretary Dimitri, ext. 666."
  2. "Sorry, I'm out of Ottawa while we renovate the House. Have to tear a few things down. I bet you won't recognize the place when I'm done!"
  3. "I'm still detained in Afghanistan - man, talk about torture! I'll get that information you requested as soon as I can. Could take a while."
  4. "For the next little while I'll be trading Parliament Hill's eternal flame for Vancouver's Olympic torch. Please join me in watching the flames of our nation burn!"
  5. "Democracy is halted until I find enough unelected senators to let it function properly."
  6. "If your legislation failed to pass before the end of 2009, don't worry, you are not alone. Please contact us again in the springtime, when you can try to pass it through the House yourself."
  7. "While we are away from the office, there will be no refund of your tax dollars. However, stay tuned for phase two of our economic action plan. Remember, your money supports our tropes."
  8. "Sorry you noticed that I'm away! Due to Jean Chretien's bad example, we are prorogued. We are working as fast as possible to make sure nobody notices anything again."
  9. "Any top civil servants requesting re-appointments during this time may contact my finger."
  10. "I will not be in touch with most Canadians at this time."
Inspired by playful partisan contest on the Liberal web site. See (non Liberal) Andrew Coyne's latest blog on the prorogation travesty.


"What is liberty, without wisdom, and without virtue? It is the greatest of all possible evils."

(stern advice c/o Edmund Burke)
The errors and defects of old establishments are visible and palpable. It calls for little ability to point them out, and where absolute power is given, it requires but a word wholly to abolish the vice and establishment altogether...



  1. Resuscitate more life forms via electrostatic reverse-cryogenics
  2. Part hair in accordance with a normal distribution
  3. Master the truck-to-truck propane transfer
  4. Relentlessly self-actuate. Failing that, wiltingly self-deprecate
  5. Cell-divide mitotically on even-numbered days of the month
  6. Three words: Laser-tag Wednesdays
  7. Burn down the Museum of Arson
  8. Punctuate more punctiliously. Alliterate less repetitively. Write more adverbially
  9. Perform at least one gastric bypass surgery
  10. Increase sandwich production, decrease sandwich consumption. Invest sandwich-offset credits in emerging shawarma economy