Dear Lobotomized Cosmo Girl,

Why aren’t you in love with me yet? I’m tall, athletic, smart and rich.

I like the way you dress and walk and smell. You have a nice body, and a wonderful personality too. I would love the chance to physically demonstrate just how wonderful I think you and your personality are; I’m convinced we’ll both enjoy that. I could sing you a song first--will that make your personality become naked? Singing a song or playing guitar is something I could do; it’s called being romantic. I will do whatever is required. Getting your phone number is a good first step, but I hope that eventually you’ll want to practise making babies. One day you may decide to carry my child, and care for it while I’m outside moving piles of dirt and money around, in my career. Usually I like to destroy things, but to create something would also be great--a person in your belly for example, someone who looks just like me.

So yes, I think it's best that we practise making babies. A word of warning though: I have no idea what ‘menstruation’ is, and I don’t ever want to find out.


Typical Boy

Dear Typical Boy

Thank you for the letter. If you’re serious, I suggest you make reservations at a restaurant for this Friday evening, or perhaps you could plan an evening out for the 14th of February (all my best girlfriends think it’s very important that we do something as a couple on the 14th of February). When we’re out together, please pretend that you like dancing, at least for the first little while. Also, I quite enjoy ‘cuddling’—this is something I cannot do without, so please practise that. Oh, and for the first few weeks, you will find it rewarding to compliment me on my appearance, as often as possible. Mention my ass, as I spend most of my free time worrying about it.

I would be happy to carry your child, but please understand this: as soon as you impregnate me, you will no longer be of much use; therefore stay out of my way during all child-rearing years. And if you don’t mind me forsaking my appearance once we have finally finished making babies, then I won’t mind you watching sports on television every single week night. Do we have a deal?

Also, don’t ever lie to me, except when it is appropriate. Did I mention that you are a dreamboat? Well you are. Now please buy me a ring.


Lobotomized Cosmo Girl

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