Mr. Gabby goes trick or treating...

Doesn't everybody love Hallowe'en? To me, this time of year is 'da bom', but then again, I'm a freak for 'da bommativity'.

For those about to 'rage it up,' remember my first rule for Hallowe'en: 1) take no prisoners. That is, if, when cruising the streets in your Skeletor Mask or Slutty Thong + Devil's Horns, you see some prisoners moping about and teeth-gnashing, please, do not take them. Let them be -- they've suffered enough as prisoners (of 'the man' or their 'tawdry lifestyle') and don't need reminding of their shackled existence. Because the rule is 'take no prisoners'. Ok? Ok.

Another rule of thumb for Hallowe'en is 2) all's well that ends in a well. This rule refers to litter and other forms of environmental negligence. If you see chewing gum on the sidewalk, or an empty tin of soda laying about, then a) find the nearest well, and throw this refuse down the hole (it should be at least 10 metres deep); or b), if you don't know where any wells are, then phone a water treatment facility in your municipality and ask them for a convenient location. This should solve most problems associated with rule #2 -- except for large cinder blocks that won't fit down the well hole, but those are the exceptions to the rule.

Speaking of rules, I would continue with more strategies for Hallowe'en (for example rule #5: chocolate goggles sting the eyes, or rule #23: a flaming pumpkin can be your greatest ally) but I don't want to 'talk down' -- after all, you have a fully functioning brain, and such pedantry is noisome, bothersome, or as the French say, ennuyeux -- which is to say 'back off, honky-tonk; I ain't no honky fool!' But enough slangery, and more on Hallowe'en:

Hallowe'en, this most infamous day of intrepid costumery, is known in some circles -- particularly, French circles -- as la jour du bonté de l'âme, or 'the day of soulful goodness'. Now this interprétation a la française may come as a surprise, or even a shock, but hey, that's your problem -- the HW-dog was not devised for the faint of heart. If you can't handle the wicked Hallowe'enic truth then please, head straightaway to the devil -- perhaps someone will pray for your damnèd quintessence come All Soul's Day -- which is Nov 2. But enough morbid theology; what's most important is that you remember to say 'Boo!' a lot on Hallowe'en.

Now Boo, that supposedly vulgar, monosyllabically partisan reprimand is not just a 'cat call' fit for sporting events -- it has myriad delights and uses. Indeed putting Boo in such an athletico-spectatorial 'Boo box' does not do justice to all of those who, for centuries, have laid down their dignity in the name of Hallowe'en, dressing up as Fairie Queens and Homicidal Pitchfork-Wielding Robots, scaring the mucus out of idle-minded gawkers in exchange for a little candy. Therefore I say Boo! to the Boo-belittlers: Boo is not merely a cacophonous foghorn on the playing fields of negativity, but also a wonderful interjection of wondrous surprise, of cunning trickery, a bon mot of winsome guile -- and with such winsome trickery follows the delicious 'treatery' that is the prerogative of the 21st-century treat-or-trickster (un Hallowe'enien moderne in the original French). Indeed, as the great liberal democrat Alexis De Tocqueville once said to himself in the shower, "with childish candour, shall come much candy." This is pure wisdom. So by all means boo to your (hellbound) soul's content: the sprites and spirits of Hallowe'en are smiling!

Anyway that is all. Look for me October 31 -- I'll be the guy dressed up as an umläut, booing his guts out and loving every minute of it.

No comments: