3/07/2004

What the ^&%#!@ is this??

The following is a telegraphed report from Lieutenant Salty Nipple, during an invasion of his battalion fortress by hostile rebel forces, in response to an earlier transmission by one Major Cobud at base headquarters.

What it all means: hmm. your guess is as good as mine. Enjoy!


"URGENT URGENT...

Major Cobud,

This is Salty Nipple speaking for Captain Grey Eagle..the Eagle wounded grievously by a volley of melons during field maneouvres...will attempt to convey recent hectic events in and around the hot centres of rebel activity...WARNING:
code may---a kh sf breaK UP on occasion...transmission officer down with case of utter foolishness...communications asst. Lt. Milo Farnsworth has defected for Aussie curling team--search in progress amidst sheep and bovine country.... patience requested cmdr {comm breaking up}...

Extreme action has been taken in the past two days... psyches are quivering from ij5o35 {code failure} asdasdasjd cognitive dissonance... due to philosophical pressure, men discarding behaviourism for mentalism--Watson out, Titchener in ...

endeavoured afjhsk sa {code problem} first to manufacture dissent within inner circle of rebel high command...our link to rebels is disgruntled english cripple--Tony Motocar...implanted toxic array of herbs and spices
within neural nets of Motocar's superior colliculus...feeb uncooperative at first--soon submitted after series of well-placed bitch slaps to face and ears...Motocar may prove 4353kksk {code problem} turncoat--alternative course of action? staple explosives to billy goat, catapult into rebel bunkers; wait for BOOM...

>
***HAVE SENT BACK UP TROOPS OF OUR COUSINS TO THE NORTH ( A BAND OF K-TOWNIES) WHO HAVE GROSSLY MISSHAPEN AND QUITE PIMPLY FOREHEADS. THESE CRETINS WILL SCARE THE ENEMY MORE THAN ANY POCKET KNIFE EVER WILL. PLUS, DUE TO THEIR INHERITED COLON PROBLEMS, THE K-TOWNIES ARE ADAMANT IN THEIR
DESIRE, NAY NEED, TO PROTECT OUR SWEET SWEET HONEY-COATED BRANFLAKES. HAVE ALSO DISPATCHED A BAND OF HOTTIE SKANKS TO GIVE SOLACE TO THE MEN. THEY HAVE SMUGGLED THE REQUESTED CODEINE INTO THE CAMP BY SECRETING IT WITHIN THE MASSIVE DEPTHS OF THEIR SILICONE IMPLANTS.
>

Reinforcements have proved able and malleable to our designs...Grey Eagle expresses thanks from hospital operating table... branflakes no longer critical issue due to influx of soy-based snacks... skanks yet to be fondled in the line of duty ...the men's aching desire yet to be quenched...

> *** THESE ARE DESPERATE TIMES, AND DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES - CRACKER+BUTTTER RATIONING WILL HAVE TO SUFFICE. TELL THE MEN THAT SOME OF THE AFOREMENTIONED SILICONE IMPLANTS HAVE RASPBERRY JAM IN THEM. NO MATTER WHAT ENDS UP ON THIER CRACKERS - CODEINE OR JAM, I'M SURE THIS TREAT WILL SEND THEM TO UNPARALELLED LEVELS OF BLISS, AND GIVE THEM MANY CAVITIES (UNFORTUNATELY).

news from the quartermaster: lack of toast remains our achilles heel, commander... cracker/butter diversion [regardless of jam content] merely inflamed restless spirits... men collapsing from elbow exhaustion ... increasing refusal to watch any and all reruns of 'Friends'--understandable yet unacceptable...request permission to brow-beat pet grasshopper with humiliating memories of larval-stage incontinence... such action will instill obedience in enlisted men who fear
analogous verbal tactics...

...some positive news: Rebels deemed 'smelly' by passing motorist; much assenting and huzzahs from men... captn. fitzwiggin received two dozen pounds of liquid bromine in care package from parents--bodes well for aspiring chemists in 'G' company... eleven spaniards discovered in kitchen sink--refugees from Barcelona plumbing
conflict--may prove competent whiz-bangers and/or bang-whizzers...

...Loss of G.E. may demolish chance at defeating rebels in many theatres of conflict--especially all-county pie-eating contest in June... high command has ordered immediate and thorough cessation of mitotic cell division within camp--hopes to baffle rebels with biological conundrum-- Salty Nipple skeptical at such anti-genetican practice...

Also from High Command:

pencils forbidden, except for use in long division and ass-scratching... new command slogan, "less class, more sass" met with random clucking and repentance among men...

{code problems}

URGENT URGENT

Major Cobud, rebels have breached outer wall...hand-to-gland combat ensuing... we must beat back malodourous pervs...IMMEDIATE ERUCTATION NEEDED...I REPEAT: IMMEDIATE ERUCTATION NEEDED...

i must...

[transmission severed].......



???????the end??????????

(what do YOU think happened after Salty Nipple got cut off from Major Cobud?)

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